One blistering morning in July, I decided to have a tough conversation with male video game protagonists. I wanted to know what it means to be a man in video games today.

Like the Victorians convincingly communed with fake ghosts through invisible wires and tipping tables, I used fan-compiled game scripts to construct a dialogue between me and the other side: nuclear video games of all kinds, loaded with things like palm trees, saloons, and fate. 

I hoped that, during this exercise, I might find illuminating information about the molted state of video game culture, whose members can sometimes be hostile to anyone who isn't a straight white hunkazoid. At the very least, this interview was a way to prolong my time indoors, where the air conditioning and refrigerated chocolate bars are. My discussion through the veil appears below. 

Hey. Thanks for meeting with me today.

Biggs, Final Fantasy VII: Didn't catch your name… 

Oh, yeah. I'm Ashley. I wanted to ask you all a few questions.

Snake, Metal Gear Solid: Questions? I haven't even said whether I'd accept this mission. 

You don't have to say anything if you don't want to, but I was hoping we could discuss the state of men in video games. I think about masculinity in video games a lot. Actually, I almost quit playing and writing about video games a few times because I was thinking about it too much — I felt so misunderstood by games' mostly male audience. But then I stopped reading the comments section instead. 

Anyway, you don't have to answer my questions if you don't feel like it. I know it's hot out, and we're all tired. But if any of you are up for it, I'm going to start slow. Like, what do you think men in video games represent?

Campbell, Metal Gear Solid: Naturally, I'm representing the U.S. government.

Yeah, that makes sense. There are a lot of despotic white-haired kings in games, for sure. What do you think a man, in any context, represents? 

Benhart of Jugo, Dark Souls II: It's a true man who honors his debts. And I'll see mine paid. I swear it, by my ancient sword.

That's nice — it's a beautiful sword, by the way. Your Bluemoon Greatsword. I know it's a modern knockoff, but I admire how firmly you refuse to acknowledge that, like Zac Efron with the lip filler allegations. What's the biggest issue in video games today?

Cole, Dragon Age: Inquisition: Too many people hurting, harming, hacking open a hole for the demons to pour in.

You know, I agree. 

Joel, The Last of Us: Okay. How do we get out of this place?

Could we tap into our empathy more than our ego?

Arthur Morgan, Red Dead Redemption 2: Don’t think so.

James Sunderland, Silent Hill 2: I...I killed a — a human being... A human being...Mary... Did you really die three years ago…?

OK, so, now we're getting to the heart of my issue with guys in video games. So many of you are whiny, sniveling, worthless, but also violent. You refuse introspection, and then you lash out. And, yeah, I get that those qualities are your character, they're in your nature for the sake of plot drama, but women are hardly ever offered the same opportunities to be imperfect, complex, or useless. When women are useless, they die.

Kratos, God of War (2018): Hang on! Stay calm.

James: No, it's okay. I didn't mean to scare you. I'm kind of lost.

Cole: He was hurt. Red inside from the Templar, but red outside from the Templar, too. Needed help to walk. Limping, light, leaning on the young like old Pepe when the road was icy. He called me a fine young man. He was sorry for what he did to you.

But it's not only me who gets impacted by video game guys' hard-headedness. I always wonder: do you ever feel guilty? Do the burnt ends of your story mean anything to you, or do they clean away when someone starts a new game?

James: Me? No...I'd never kill myself...It's hot as hell in here.

I know. I'm sick of this heat wave, too. But, if not guilt, then what motivates you?

Kratos: Enemies ahead.

And how should a man treat his enemy, be it a person or an idea?

Staff Sergeant Griggs, Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare: Grenades won't do it! We gotta use rockets or C4!

That seems extreme. What about coexistence? In video games, playable characters live among all kinds of things — robots, mutant rabbits, magic, corpses… 

I've noticed that, after I play a game like Lollipop Chainsaw for a really long time, there comes a point where I stop seeing the clashing images of death and pink hair scrunchies as juxtaposition. Ultimately, a game is an ecosystem, and it requires bits of both sun and shadow to live. So I think that, since video games are so often about violence, they should also be about forgiveness. 

Liquid Snake, Metal Gear Solid: Well, I'm not like you. Unlike you, I'm proud of the destiny that is encoded into my very genes. Yeah!

How can you say that conflict is your destiny? There's plenty of struggle and intrigue in maintaining peace, too. I mean look at Nietzsche's Übermensch —

Nathan Drake, Uncharted: Drake's Fortune: Hey, hey...You got your story, lady.

All right. That's enough for today, I guess. Thanks for your time. 

Arthur: Thanks.